The Slip that Brought Me to My Knees
by Servatia
Summary: After a session of intense lovemaking, Spock loses consciousness and doesn't seem to wake up. There's no apparent reason, and Leonard is at a complete loss for an answer. Contains slash. Lots of it.
1. Chapter 1

_Warning, yet again: SLASH!_

_A/N: In this scenario, Spock never went to Gol. Sequel to I am Your Destiny, I'm Your Cure but can stand alone. Takes place well past TMP. Title's so obvious I won't even get started. And there are more R.E.M. references in there. I'll list them at the very end, but I might overlook one while proofreading._

_Originally published in Spiced Peaches XXXVIII._

_And again, I like feedback!_

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><p>Leonard awoke to a hand running down his side. He didn't move, unwilling to interrupt the unguarded act. The hand was now on his hip, then his buttock, the touch infinitely light and gentle. His sex was filling with blood, but he didn't let the other know he was awake. He wanted to enjoy this. When the journeying hand settled on the crack between his cheeks and a finger started to fondle his perineum, he had to struggle not to move and to keep his breath even. For a moment, the hand withdrew and Leonard felt its absence keenly. When the fingers returned, they were wet, settling on his entrance, probing so very gently, sliding in and out of him with practically no resistance.<p>

'I know you are awake,' Spock whispered while his fingers nudged that sweet spot inside him. Leonard smiled and shifted, giving the Vulcan better access.

'Good,' he replied. 'Carry on.' The fingers slipped from him and were replaced with something larger that rested against his entrance. The very thought elicited a moan from Leonard. 'Come on, Spock. Make love to me.'

'Not yet,' Spock told him. Both arms enveloped him and Spock's erection slipped between Leonard's thighs, poking into his testicles. 'I want to remind you of something, my beloved.' Spock's hands turned him around so they were face to face. Love shone from the Vulcan's eyes with no restraint or discipline trying to hide it. When their lips met, it was sweet and warm, a touch of pure tenderness. 'I love you, Len.' The words were whispered against his lips, barely audible. 'A year ago, we made an agreement. That if we stay together until now and all is well, we shall bond.' Leonard swallowed. The phrasing alone sounded sterile, but the delivery was everything but. He remembered that conversation and the evening before it vividly. They had almost fallen apart. Almost.

'You feel secure enough?' The answer was a curt nod.

'I do. But I need your permission. I shall not hold it against you if this is something you do not wish. This kind of connection is very deep and for a human it might feel like an intrusion.'

'So you've told me,' Leonard said. One of his hands was on the back of Spock's neck, caressing him just with his fingertips, their legs were intertwined and their groins pressed close. 'I thought about this a lot. I have to admit I feared it first, but now … I want this so much. All of you, Spock, all you are, all you have to give. And I … well, I did some research. Don't you need a bond during … you know. Then.' Leonard received a Vulcan smile for that. There was nothing more stunning. 'God, you're beautiful when you look at me that way.' Another featherlight brush of Vulcan lips against his.

'I need it if you wish to be there for me then. I am, however, aware, that the thought may be disconcerting for you.'

'You don't scare me,' Leonard said gently. 'I don't assume you'd attack me if I'm there and willing.'

'No. But if I know in time that I will not have a bondmate, I can receive help on Vulcan.'

'Help?'

'Priestesses.'

'Oh, no. No way.' Leonard kissed him, passionately this time, perhaps even a little possessively. Judging from the amused expression when he pulled away, it had seemed that way to Spock.

'Indeed I would prefer to be with you. Very much. I could survive with them, but with you it can be beautiful. Not so much the fulfilment of a biological need as an offering of my absolute devotion.' Leonard cupped Spock's cheek.

'I'd like that,' he said sincerely. 'Spock, I really want this. I know it's for life. I know that I can't ever touch anyone else. But I want only you. I love you madly. You do believe me, don't you?' Again, Spock nodded. 'Can you do it now?'

'I had hoped that you would find that agreeable.' Instead of an answer, Leonard grabbed Spock's hand and placed it on his face. The beautiful long fingers parted and settled on the meld points. Spock entered his mind with the same caution he used for his body, probing, letting him adjust, prepared to give him all the time of the world to do so.

They had melded before in the line of duty, but never like this. When Spock had used this technique, there had been a barrier that protected both their privacies. Now there was no such thing. And yet, the Vulcan's presence wasn't searching, it was just there. Tendrils of another being interwove with him, creating a link.

Actually, it didn't seem like a link. Much more like an alloy, both of them merging so completely they became quite literally one. When Spock removed his hand, an echo of that sensation remained with Leonard. He had no idea how long they had been joined like this. All he knew was that his state of arousal had increased to the point of being almost painful. 'It is done,' the Vulcan told him. 'Over time, this link will deepen, making it possible to communicate without touch.'

'Is that what they did with you and T'Pring?'

'In essence, yes. Although that link was weaker because it was never used.'

'How could she reject you? I'm glad, mind you, but … how?'

'Perhaps she sensed that I did not want her. That I love another.' Leonard reached down between them and took Spock's hard member into his hand, stroking him lightly.

'Spock … need you. C'mon, stick it in. Do me.' The Vulcan's eyes closed in acknowledgement and he turned Leonard back around. Placing one arm under him and adjusting their position with the other, he held him close, Spock's chest to his back. Carefully, he pushed into him, his sex slippery with the viscous fluid Vulcan males produced and exuded through the skin on the glans and, to a lesser extent, the shaft. Leonard pushed back, wanting nothing more than to feel his mate. Slowly, they moved together, the room filled with deep breaths and the wet sounds of their lovemaking. Before he'd been with Spock, Leonard had never felt that word could be so accurate. This was not about hormones but closeness, true, absolute intimacy. Leonard reached back behind him and threaded his fingers into Spock's hair. A strong hand wrapped around his sex, stroking him in time with the wonderful movement in and out of his body. When they made love like this, the sensations were almost overwhelming. Not even a piece of paper would have fit between them, with Spock holding him tightly against his chest, the Vulcan's nose pressed against his neck, warm breath whispering over his skin. With each deep thrust Leonard felt the Vulcan's testicles pressing against his own, with each upwards motion of the cool hand on his erection a slight twist at the head. Leonard's body wanted to push against the Vulcan at least twice as fast, but he didn't, let himself be loved thoroughly and slowly.

With a barely suppressed groan, Spock pulled out of him and sat up. Leonard felt himself being pulled up into his lap by the much stronger man. He lowered himself onto Spock's hard sex, wrapping his arms around his frame and burying his face in his neck. 'I love this, you know: this position,' he whispered into a pointed ear.

'Yes.' Spock's hands were on his buttocks, kneading gently. 'Len … there is a residual risk in this link. I could get carried away and accidentally injure you.'

'You won't hurt me,' Leonard told his Vulcan, pressing their foreheads together. 'You could crush me with your bare hands, but you never so much as bruised me. Not in anger or in love. You're not gonna strangle me now if you haven't so far, and God knows I gave you reasons.' Spock's hands went to the back of his neck.

'I could more easily stop my heartbeat,' the Vulcan said. Leonard offered a dazzling smile.

'What are you worrying about then?' He kissed Spock to stop him from answering. Vulcans might be able to have sex and sophisticated conversation at the same time, but he certainly couldn't bring himself to keep track. All he could do was feel the thick organ filling him, his own erection trapped between them, pliable lips against his, a tongue exploring, his lips being sucked on, hands roaming until they settled on his hips again, firmly, to halt his motions.

Spock let himself fall backwards. He was breathing hard, his control in tatters. Leonard squeezed with his muscles and the Vulcan moaned in answer, twitching inside him. Holding Leonard above him, he started thrusting into him faster. His eyes fixed on Leonard's groin, and after a short time, Spock's movements slowed. He pulled at Leonard's hips, manoeuvring them closer to his face to eye him with a scientist's interest. If it wasn't for the swollen, slightly open lips the Vulcan might be looking into a microscope, staring at some curious single-cell organism. 'What the hell are you doing?' Leonard asked huskily. He wasn't certain if he was feeling quite comfortable with that kind of stare.

'I have always found your copious production of fluid before ejaculation fascinating.' A hand closed around Leonard's shaft, tugging once, twice. A bead of thick, clear fluid dribbled down, landing on Spock's lower lip and gathering in the small hollow beneath it. Leonard tried not to stare just as badly as his mate when Spock didn't show the slightest inclination to remove the drop.

'What's so fascinating about Cowper's fluid?' he asked instead, hardly recognising his own voice.

'Vulcans do not produce it.' Leonard was torn between amusement and defeat about Spock's idea of dirty talk. He did that occasionally, and by now Leonard knew what he wanted. He wanted him to talk medical to him. Whyever that was.

'You don't need it for pH-regulation or flushing out the seminal duct because Vulcan plumbing is neat enough to have a completely separate one for the ureter. And human males don't self lubricate the way you do, inside the rectum and on the whole penis. Same thing, even. Bulbourethral glands or at least what you've got for them. Why'm I telling you, you know that!' A moist tongue flicked over the small slit on Leonard's glans when Spock tugged again, and he moaned. Another, more significant spurt of liquid was caught by Spock's mouth and swallowed. His eyes closed before he answered.

'True. I know what it is. But I wonder if all humans produce such an amount of it.' Leonard flushed.

'No. I used to take something to reduce it when I was young because … I found it highly embarrassing. But I'm starting to think you actually like it.' Spock sucked the tip of his erection into his mouth, letting his tongue swirl around his prey, and Leonard felt the result pulsing through him in languid waves. He was so close, but he wanted to finish while his lover was inside him. Spock drank from him as if it was purest nectar.

'Indeed,' Spock said when he released him again. Still holding him in one hand, he pressed the tip of his tongue against his frenulum. Leonard's hands clasped Spock's wrists and he groaned.

'Stop torturing me, would you?' Spock looked up to meet his eyes, the first drop still glistening between his lower lip and his chin, part of it smeared onto his lips. The entire picture was so surreal Leonard chuckled. Both eyebrows rose. He smiled and reached down to gather the liquid with a finger. When he put it into Spock's mouth, the slight amusement gave way to pure fire. Leonard found himself on his back with his legs in the air and Spock back inside him.

'Better?' The word came as an almost-growl.

'Much,' he answered, locking his legs behind Spock's back. 'Turns you on when I wipe your lips and feed you with my precum?' He pushed up and circled his hips.

'Only you can do this to me. Only you see me like this. There can never be another. Only you.' Spock's quiet pledge touched Leonard deeply. Even now it was rare for the Vulcan to be as vocal about his emotions as he was today. Gladly, he didn't seem to need an answer. Instead, he started to thrust in earnest, burying himself inside his bondmate with increasing urgency. Whatever thought Leonard had had vanished, and all he could do was move with him. Perhaps because of the bond, their encounter was extremely intense for him, sweet and wild.

He had learned to read Spock long ago. He knew the signs that Spock was getting close. But this morning, something was very different. He noticed how Spock's eyes shut, which was usually the first indicator. At the same time, something inside the alien opened and swallowed Leonard whole. He felt … he felt everything Spock felt. He felt the pistoning movement inside him, hitting that sweet spot over and over again – and he felt himself ensconced in tight heat that was literally milking him. Spock was muttering in Vulcan, apparently completely lost in the sensation, and the fact that he was so far gone made a nonsense of Leonard's attempt to still hold back. He moaned and clutched Spock's shoulders when he came. Spock followed him a split second behind … or maybe Leonard followed, he couldn't tell.

They hadn't managed to catch their breaths when the intercom beeped. 'Shut up,' Leonard grated. He held on to his Vulcan, hoping that whoever it was would give up.

'Kirk to McCoy, come in.' Spock slipped down from him, but Leonard refused to move.

'Len, you should …'

'What side are you on, anyway?' He turned his head, smiling slightly, before leaving their bed. Without bothering to put on clothes, he sat down before the terminal and answered. 'McCoy here, Jim. I hope this is an emergency.' For a moment, the face on the screen had an open expression, then it showed confusion. At last, a grin. Leonard knew what he looked like: face and chest visible on the screen, hair mussed up, beads of sweat and a distinct flush speaking a language of their own.

'Did I disturb you, by any chance?'

'What gives you that idea, Jim? Aside from the fact that I'm not on duty for the next three hours.' Leonard asked innocently. A soft chuckle answered.

'Sorry. But I need you in the conference room. And Spock. You wouldn't know where he is?'

'I might. Do I have ten minutes?'

'You have twenty. I'll say you're with a patient. Bones … have you considered letting the rest of the world know?'

'No.'

'Look … it's none of my business, but the crew would actually be happy for both of you.'

'Most of them. Someone might realise that there's a weakness to exploit. I'll see you in twenty minutes.' He cut the connection and sighed. 'Shower?' When Spock didn't answer, Leonard turned to the bed. His heart nearly stopped. Spock still lay there, sprawled on his back, eyes staring at the ceiling. Something was terribly wrong. 'Spock?' he asked, feeling suddenly cold. He rushed over to the Vulcan and placed a hand on his pulse.

He was certainly breathing, and the pulse was normal. But there was no reaction, his eyes fixed upwards and not moving. 'Oh God,' Leonard breathed and raced to the intercom. 'Sickbay, this is McCoy. I need a medical team with a stretcher in my quarters at once.' He dressed quickly and waited for two minutes that felt like hours.


	2. Chapter 2

Jim came rushing into sickbay, pale and wide eyed. 'What's wrong with him, Bones?' he asked in a hushed voice. Leonard swallowed.

'I wish I knew.' He rubbed a hand over his face. 'Physically, I can't find anything wrong with him. But he's been … like this ever since you called.' He swallowed. 'What if I did this to him somehow, Jim?' Warmth entered the frightened look on Jim's face and he shook his head.

'No, Bones. Don't be ridiculous.' Jim's hands came to rest on his shoulders. 'You'll find the answer. You always do.'

'Wish I had your confidence. What about your meeting?'

'Postponed for an hour. And you're excused. Spock's more important than a briefing.'

'Thanks.' Jim sat down on a chair beside Spock. Leonard hovered over the Vulcan and stared down into the dark eyes. 'He should see and hear us, but he's not processing any of it. His mind is going haywire behind all this, but he can't communicate. I can't even comfort him. Jim, I … I've never felt so powerless.' At last, Leonard did sit. He took Spock's hand and brought it to his lips. He held it there when he continued talking. 'I've monitored his brainwaves. Even when I hold his hand, there's nothing. He's all alone.'

'Vulcan Science Academy?'

'Christine's trying to reach them. There's some data available, suggesting a mind meld gone wrong. But that would be immediate, and not with Spock. He's too good at this.'

'Shame you're not bonded to him. Maybe you could reach him on a more direct level, find out what's wrong.' Leonard froze.

'I am.' He looked at Jim. 'I am, but only since … earlier today. I don't know how to do this.' His friend's eyes fixed on his.

'Try. Maybe you can get through. Maybe he can tell you. Assuming bondmates can communicate without touch.' Leonard nodded eagerly and licked his lips.

'They can. But I can't! I'm not a telepath!'

'Then don't ask the VSA. Ask Amanda.'

'That's gonna be cheerful. Hi, Amanda, this is McCoy. How does a human use a bond? Why? Oh, because I'm bonded to your son. No, he's not fine. He's comatose. Might be dying.' Leonard fell silent. His face felt cold, he knew he must be sheet white. 'Jim, he's a Vulcan. He can't exist like that. He'll die.' Burying his nose in Spock's hand, he fought his tears. 'He'll die,' he whispered. 'She'll blame me. And maybe she'd be right. What if I did this?' Jim sighed.

'Bones. Look at me, Bones.' Reluctantly, he did. 'She won't blame you. I don't, and Spock most certainly doesn't either. Aside … from the fact … that you couldn't do this … you wouldn't. You love him.' Slowly, Leonard nodded. 'I never asked you … never dared. Before this mission, you said you're not coming even though Spock said he'd return, then Spock said you'd changed your mind about five minutes before our departure. What happened there?'

'Crisis. Horrible, major crisis. And the last thing I want to think about right now.' He held the hand he had captive firmly, pushing that terrible night away. 'Tonight, exactly a year ago, and I'm still half astounded we managed to make it all okay. Jim, I love him so much. What if he doesn't know just how much I adore him?'

'He knows. Don't worry. He knows that. Telepath, remember?'

'Doctor?' Christine's voice sounded timid. She had been among the team that came running into Leonard's quarters. Now she and a few of his people knew exactly what they were. A naked Vulcan on his bed was a dead giveaway. Pushing the thought from his mind, Leonard placed Spock's hand gently on the biobed and stood. 'I have an answer from the Vulcan Science Academy. They have no idea, but they will do research and come back to you.'

'Thank you, Christine. Another favour. Contact the Vulcan ambassador, I need to speak to his wife. Don't tell them what happened, I'll try and avoid that.'

Ϡ

Leonard's hands were shaking, but the woman on the screen couldn't see that. Even so, she saw that something was terribly wrong. The question in her eyes at the mere fact that Leonard McCoy had contacted her was glaring out at him. Despite that, she looked as if barely a year had passed since first they'd met. 'Lady Amanda,' he said. 'I have a question, and I don't know how to ask it.'

'Doctor, I've spent so many years on Vulcan that I can assure you I can handle honesty even if it is quite blatant.' He pursed his lips and nodded.

'Very well. I'll just ask then. Is it possible for a human bonded to a Vulcan to use the mind link? To initiate a meld, so to speak, when touching is impossible?' A slight frown appeared on Amanda's face.

'The simple answer to that question is yes, but I doubt that this helps you,' she said calmly. 'I can't describe or explain to you how to do this, because there is no way you would understand. A bond is more than a simple link.'

'I know.' He swallowed. The apprehension on the woman's face finally did the trick. He would be honest. 'The truth is, Spock is unconscious. Physically, I cannot find anything wrong, but he's not registering anything. Voice, touch, visual input, none of it. His mind's in a frenzy and I can't let him know we're here for him to at least make him comfortable until I've found a solution.' Amanda held herself so well she might be a Vulcan.

'I don't understand your initial question. Spock is unbonded.'

'No. He's not.' Leonard looked straight at her. 'He's bonded to me.' Amanda's eyes went wide.

'Since when?'

'This morning. A short while before he passed out. Lady Amanda, I need help here. What if I caused this somehow?' She shook her head vigorously.

'You couldn't. And I am very certain you wouldn't. Did you agree to this bond?'

'What do you think? Of course I did! He'd never force himself on anyone.'

'No. But I had to ask. Doctor, can I give this some thought and return to you? I need to talk to my husband. How soon could you come to Vulcan?'

'Two weeks.' He'd checked that first.

'Wait for me, I shall not be long.' The connection was cut, and Leonard mentally prepared himself for a few agonising hours. The signal came after less than five minutes, and this time there were two faces on the screen.

'Ambassador … Good evening.'

'To you as well, doctor. Time is of the essence so I will not lecture you about propriety. You cannot come to Vulcan, you do not have the time. If my son is completely cut off from his surroundings, he does not have two weeks.'

'I know,' Leonard said, staring right into the dark eyes fixing him so severely. 'It's why I called Lady Amanda. I need to help him.'

'Yes, you do. But I doubt that you will be able.'

'I'm just a frail human, I know, hardly worthy of consideration.' Sarek waved him away.

'I respect my son's choice, but I do not appreciate that I hear this news in such a manner.'

'I'm … God, I'm sorry. But I'm, frankly, I'm so scared.'

'Naturally.' Amanda's voice was set, but her eyes mirrored his own fear. The fact that Sarek even talked to him spoke volumes, too. 'I can try and help you to establish contact. Close your eyes and focus inwards. You have to find the bond inside your mind.'

'How?'

'Did you not notice a change after it was created?' Sarek asked. Leonard wondered how to answer that one, opened his mouth and closed it. He could hardly tell Spock's parents that he had sensed the change when they had sex. A hint of impatience appeared on Sarek's face. 'Doctor, I know how a bond is created and secured. Your false modesty is not helpful.' He flushed crimson.

'You're … absolutely right. I noticed a change. I could sense Spock and feel what he did when he was … you really need details?' Sarek raised one eyebrow. 'Well, he was … the active partner.'

'Ah. Then my first suspicion that he simply made a mistake is wrong. Did you change parts later or did the complications occur before that?' Leonard refused to ask what sort of mistake.

'We … were called to a meeting right afterwards, so no. Only we never got to the meeting either. Would a mistake be a reason for him to pass out like that?'

'Yes. Now do as you are told. Amanda will assist you as far as she is able over the computer. I cannot because she may know better how to explain to a human what would come naturally after a while.' Leonard nodded and closed his eyes. A part of his mind wondered how two Vulcans of different sex created a bond if he had to enter Spock, too, never mind two females. Mentally chastising himself for getting distracted, Leonard pushed the thought away when Amanda spoke to him.

'Think of how you perceived him. Think of how you felt through him. And hold on to that sensation. Hold it in your mind and your heart.' He tried to do what she said. He really tried. But all he achieved was fear and sadness washing through him. He opened his eyes and shook his head. 'I didn't expect you to manage at your first attempt. You'll need time and it might be easier if you touch him. Even if he can't feel it, perhaps it can ground you enough.'

'Doctor, Spock's life depends on you. Do not think your humanity will stop you from reaching him. There must be something in his mind, and chances are he knows it. When you manage to get the required information, let us know.'

'If he can't be specific, what do you think this is?'

'A previous meld gone wrong, I assume. I shall also ask the Vulcan Science Academy.'

'I already asked them, Ambassador. Maybe it's best if they give you their reply. I'll check back when I know something, at the latest in four hours.'

'Very well. Until then.'

Ϡ

Leonard had turned the lights down when he returned to Spock's room and locked the door. He sat down on the bed, placing the head of the man he loved in his lap. 'God, don't leave me,' he whispered, knowing the Vulcan couldn't hear him. He placed his fingers on his temples and closed his eyes. He didn't fight the tears that welled in his eyes, let them fall until a relative calm settled in him again. He thought of the time they'd shared so far. Of their love that had grown steadily between them. Of this morning, the feel of Spock's skin against his, the sweet friction, the whispered words of love and desire. Of how it had seemed that their roles were reversed.

Suddenly, Leonard felt as if he was floating in a thick liquid that, strangely, allowed him to breathe. 'Spock?' he asked tentatively. He heard his own voice and felt the word in his mind, trying to reach his bondmate. 'God, please, please answer.'

'Len, can it be?' Relief flooded him, relief so strong he nearly lost his focus.

'I'm here, honey. I'm here with you. What's happening, how can I help you?' The sense of profound sadness he had felt when he had talked to Amanda came back, and he realised that even then the sensation hadn't been his own. He tried to make Spock feel safe and loved. 'Spock, do you feel me? Talk to me, my love.' He felt a wave of pure affection directed at him and knew it was working.

'I hear you. What is my status?'

'Unconscious. You're in some sort of cataleptic state. I talked to your parents, they told me how to reach you. Your father reckons you can tell me what's wrong with you.' There was a pause, and somehow Leonard knew that Spock needed the time to listen into himself.

'I am uncertain,' he said at last. 'But even now I sense that there is something obstructing our connection. There is much more focus on my part required than there should be. An external influence standing between us.'

'A meld gone wrong?'

'Unknown. I believe this is deliberate or at least under some amount of control.'

'You mean someone is keeping us separate on purpose? Who'd do that? Why?'

'I find myself at a loss. Perhaps a Vulcan healer could help.'

'Spock, there's no time for that!' Panic flared in Leonard's soul and he couldn't keep it under a lid. 'You need to regain consciousness, this stasis is killing you, and I need you. I can't lose you just after you bonded with me. I can't ever lose you.' Spock's mind wrapped around him like a blanket, soothing the fear away.

'You can help me hold on. This is strengthening me. The sense I am lacking I have through you when we are joined like this. Your presence in my mind a comfort too strong for words.' There was another pause. 'This happened after the bond was half complete. It means that someone must have planted a mental block inside me that would be triggered at a deep mental connection.'

'This is a crime, that's what you're saying. Someone wanted to kill you.' He swallowed. 'I'll make an educated guess. T'Pring.'

'She had no reason to do such a thing.'

'Foolish, gentle Vulcan. She hated your guts, Spock. Is it hypothetically possible that when your link with her was severed, she placed a bug in your mind? That in case you lost to Jim you'd die if you ever tried to bond?'

'I reiterate. She had no reason. Additionally, losing a fight to the death makes such an action rather excessive.' Impatience was rising like bile in Leonard's mind, and Spock finally answered. 'It is, in theory, possible.'

'Spock, I'll tell your parents this. If she's innocent, that's fine. If she's not, would you know how it works?'

'There are two options. Either an incomplete separation of her link with me, but that would be an accident. If this were the case, it would have happened long ago when she and Stonn bonded. Or she placed a trace of her mind inside me. Your analogy to a bug is not entirely inaccurate. It would be a flaw in my programming, a part of me that is incompatible with any other mind that would be joined to mine. Such an act is unheard of. A violation. I refuse to believe that she would do such a thing.'

'Spock … I'm going to withdraw. I'll talk to your parents. But I'll come back. I love you. So much, Spock. You know that, don't you?' He could almost feel those wonderful hands framing his face with infinite gentleness.

'Yes, Len. I know it. I shall await your return.'

Ϡ

Vulcans didn't express fury, but being around a Vulcan day in and day out had taught Leonard to read them. And Sarek, when he heard what Leonard had to say, had transformed into a God of vengeance without any visible change in his expression. Amanda looked simply disgusted. 'I have to correct my son,' Sarek said at last, his voice deep and rough. 'It is not unheard of. The Vulcan Science Academy has come up with the same answer if it turns out that it was not an error he made during a mind meld. There is little that can be done.'

'What is it, then? What can I do?'

'Break the bond.' Leonard went cold all over.

'I … couldn't. I would to save him. God knows I'd do anything to save him. But I don't know how.'

'Meld with him and push him away. Without an explanation, shove him so hard he retreats. It will be easier if you have intercourse with another before.'

'No. That … I can't. I'll try breaking him loose, but I won't betray him.'

'Either way, once the bond is severed, it cannot be restored. I am afraid that this is your choice.' Leonard felt despair so overwhelming he thought he must die of it.

'I … will he forgive me?'

'Unlikely. But it will destroy the shard of another mind and he will be able to bond with someone else.'

'He won't understand. Sarek, I don't …'

'Doctor, I am fully aware that it is more than can be asked of you. I would find such an act impossible and shall think no less of you for failing, even if the bond you share is yet incomplete and young enough to allow severance without destroying you both. I do not, however, expect you to succeed in something that would be impossible for me.'

'Is there no other way?'

'None that you can do, Doctor. He would need to live despite the shard, to find it and keep it shut out or to expel it. In both cases, you would have to help him do that, but you are not a Vulcan.' Sarek allowed himself a minute sigh. 'If your roles were reversed, I would recommend Spock not to try because the dangers to your mind would be too great, and he is a distinguished telepath. You would not be able. Most likely, you would achieve nothing. You might destroy him. Breaking your bond, at least, is safe if you manage it.'


	3. Chapter 3

Leonard knew he had to do it. He downed two glasses of bourbon, hoping that would help. It didn't. He found himself sitting there, Spock's head resting on his lap as before, and he couldn't get himself to even initiate the contact. All he could think of was the pain he would cause. Swallowing all the pain, he started. Spock had to live. The rest … was not important. He'd probably never see the wonderful man again, because if Leonard broke their link, the Vulcan would leave. There was no doubt about that. This was the ultimate betrayal.

The contact was so sweet, all he wanted to do was let the presence of the other man caress him. 'Spock, look … This is never going to work, and I can't be your babysitter all the time.' He'd stung Spock, and he felt it keenly. This was so similar to how they had fought … how each had hurt the other almost to breaking point. And now Leonard was doing it again after they had patched their relationship back together, after they had both fully realised what it was they had nearly lost. And he was doing it on purpose. But in the past year he had reassured Spock so much that the Vulcan pushed the rejection away and answered with serenity.

'I am aware of that. All I ask is that you return every seven hours to support me. I do not need constant attention.' Leonard retreated from the love radiating at him.

'No … look, I'm just going to break our connection, and …'

'No!' There was something akin to panic in the reply. 'No, Leonard, do not do this to me.'

'I've got to, Spock. It was clearly a bad idea. Tell me how.' Silence. 'Don't be ridiculous. All I want is out of this meld and that link.' Spock's pain pulsed through Leonard, growing like a cancer and gnawing at his soul.

'You are certain?' He had to. Once in his life, Leonard had to ignore his emotions. Had to be cold and logical.

'Yes,' he managed. If Spock refused to take his word for it and searched more deeply, he'd find that the pain was shared and that Leonard loved him completely. That this was the last thing he really wanted. But Spock didn't search.

A wall slammed up between them, and Leonard was unable to feel Spock. At the same time, something he hadn't known he had was slipping out of his grasp, like a smooth wet thing that he just couldn't hold. He let it go, like a thick rope gliding through his hands. With every centimetre he got closer to panic. And suddenly every instinct inside him screamed protest. Consciously, he wanted to let go because he had to, but his mind shut off while his soul grabbed at the link, holding it, digging into it to stop the withdrawal, and for a moment it slowed. Slowed, but didn't stop.

And Leonard's mind gave up, surrendering to instinct willingly. He couldn't do it. He'd find a way, some way. But this … despite the wall of Vulcan discipline he sensed the pain this act caused Spock, and it hurt him, too, hurt him to the point of insanity. 'No,' he whispered. Then, he screamed the word, over and over, hoping that his Vulcan would hear him. 'No, don't go, this is all wrong! I can't … Please … honey, don't go!' If Spock could hear him, he ignored his shouts, and Leonard was running out of time, the rope was thinning to a thread. He slammed himself against the very visible wall, pounded against it, clawed into it, injuring himself in the process and not caring one bit. Only when he thought he would break his own mind on the shield the process stopped.

'Len?' The single syllable was so tentative, a last, shy question, begging him to stop the madness. He was more than willing to.

'Spock … my God, no. Don't go!' He flung himself at the essence of the being, crashing right through the barrier that had been softened just a little. 'Oh Spock. I can't … I can't, but I should, but I love you so much.'

'What … what is it you want? I do not understand. Why would you hurt me so?' The pain was so deep, so clear, Leonard nearly shattered from it. He didn't answer at once, tried to convey only what he felt, and he succeeded. The rest of the shield went and their link flared up brightly, a purgatorial fire that burnt down the fear and pain and left only joy behind. Finally, he found it in him to explain.

'There's some presence in you that'll stop you from coming back, but it would've been broken if I'd severed the bond. But I can't let it go. I just can't. Oh, honey.'

'I believed …' The thought was left unfinished, unimportant in the light of their bond. 'I must say, your mind is remarkably strong. Len, I will rather stay this way than live without you.'

'I'll rather have you back. All the way. But I don't think I can do it. I'd have to … I don't know. Find that other in you.' He received something that felt like a smile.

'I am very certain that you can. You know me very well, it will be easy for you to tell us apart.'

'I wish I had your faith in me.'

'You should. Beautiful, beloved human. Do not withdraw from me. Something that causes us both such anguish cannot be the answer. There is literature on the subject available from the Vulcan Science Academy. Do not ask them for help, they will not be forthcoming. But you can learn how to recognise an intruder. It can hide from me, but not from an external observer. I trust you completely.' Leonard started to break from the meld. 'Len … Promise you'll come back.'

'Of course, honey. Soon as I can.'

Ϡ

Leonard heard the constant beep of the biobed and jerked upright. 'What the hell?' Christine was at his side in an instant, pressing him down.

'You lost consciousness. We feared you were lost, too. It even seemed as if you were about to have a heart attack.'

'How long've I been out?'

'Nine hours.' Leonard swore.

'Stupid, stupid idea. And I should be tarred and feathered for even thinking about it!' The worry on Christine's face increased, if anything. 'I'm all right. This isn't going to happen again.'

'You'll stay right where you are until I can be sure.'

'Let me use the computer at least.'

'If that keeps you on this bed.'

There wasn't much to be found, but what information there was, Leonard absorbed. First, he was the only one who could do it. No healer had the intricate knowledge of another's mind a bondmate had. Of course, that usually meant being bonded for a while and being a Vulcan. So with him being a human bonded to Spock for what seemed like three seconds, it might be impossible. But his was the best shot. Second, someone had to look after them. He could very well get lost in the link, hurt himself. He wasn't going to tell anyone that. His best chance was to be completely secluded with Spock. If someone overly worried interrupted at the slightest problem, he wouldn't get far. Three, he could actually try and get rid of the other thing.

What he had to do was very similar to the way he had used their bond so far: create a link and get Spock to open up enough to show him everything. Up until now, their contact had been a deep connection. This would be more, a true merging with Leonard in control. The thought frightened him. One mistake and Spock's mind could be damaged beyond repair. He wasn't one of the few human telepaths, had no training in any related discipline. All he had was profound knowledge of psychology to rely on and the love and respect he felt for the individual so at his mercy.

He waited patiently until the night. Then he quickly disabled his biobed and locked the door with Jim as the only person able to override the lock. The Captain would never open this door without a very good reason. Then, for the third time, he gathered Spock in his lap, and made contact with his mind.

He was welcomed by a wave of love, and this time he let it reach and suffuse him, let Spock sense that the feeling was mutual. 'I know what to do. What I don't know is if I'll have you to guide me.'

'You will. I can help.'

'Spock, I could harm you.'

'You will not. I trust you. You are intelligent and cautious. This will soon be over.'

'Will this thing fight me?'

'We shall see. Commence, Len.' Taking a deep breath, Leonard did what he had read. He cleared his mind, tried to think of nothing but Spock, of the presence he felt. Spock helped, was there with him, near him, in him, around him. Their means of communication changed from verbal to something much more primal. There was amusement about the pictures in Leonard's mind. Apparently, for a Vulcan the meld wasn't like this, no visual allegories for what was incomprehensible. But then again, they were supposed to understand the details of the mind. Leonard couldn't, so he compensated by creating images, visions of walls and the rope that was their link and darkness that was the vastness of their minds and lights that were thoughts.

Lights … of different shapes and colours, shifting and changing and interwoven. But there was a pattern, something in common. He started to see where he ended and where Spock began. They were in perfect sync, but not the same. And then he found it. A light that disrupted the order, a single, small, lost thing. He had expected something malevolent. He found a tiny boat in a vast ocean, a plaything of the waves and yet a danger to the very water that was threatening it. He withdrew slightly, unable to cope with the depth of the meld. 'That … is that her?'

'No, this does not feel like T'Pring. It is, however, familiar.' Spock's voice in his mind sounded calmer than ever since this mess began. 'I believe this will be easier than you thought. But I doubt that I can help you. You need to reach out to it, perhaps can persuade it to withdraw. Do not destroy it, you might hurt the owner.'

'Do what, then? Ask it to return to whence it came?'

'Yes, that would seem to be the best course of action.'

'Spock … I can't do that!'

'Yes, you can. Help me. Help us. I wish to live. I wish to spend many years at your side. It is up to you to give us this time.'

'No pressure, right?'

'You will manage, my beloved.' Again, he went down into the abyss. This time, he found the wrong light at once and approached. It retreated, tried to evade like a wounded animal.

'I won't hurt you,' he said. It didn't quite seem like he said anything. All he could transmit was a wave of calm, but for him it was easier to use language as a kind of reference. At least he knew what he was doing that way. Kind of. 'Show yourself. Let me help you and him and me.' The light stilled and stopped its wrong transmissions, went quiet and opened itself.

It was so familiar Leonard nearly fell out of the meld. It was kind and stubborn and scared and courageous all at once. 'No way,' Leonard whispered and reached out. 'Is this what your mind feels like? But why are you here? What are you doing in Spock's head?' The answer was non-verbal, signifying that this was not the mind he had recognised but a mere splinter of it. It was deep love, but not like Leonard's. More driven, louder, and definitely rejected. Placed in a bubble rather than allowed to fill the Vulcan the way Leonard did. 'You need to let him go. If he means anything to you, let go.' Fear was the answer. Fear of being forgotten and destroyed. 'He loves you too, just not that way. Let him go. You'll still be there. I promise. You'll always be there. You'll always be welcome. But not … not like this. Right now, you're hurting him. Killing him!' The light started vibrating again, more in accord with the two of them now as if acknowledging that Leonard belonged there, and slowly, slowly it was fading. When it was gone, Leonard found himself abruptly in his sickbay. He swallowed, trying to stay upright and not fall off the bed.

'My Len …' Spock's voice was soft but definitely not just in his mind. 'Do you know who it was?' Leonard shook himself. Spock would be safe, but someone else might not.

'Yes. Wait. I need to see if there's been a side effect. Could be dangerous.' He slid from the bed and looked at Spock before bending down and kissing him deeply. 'Not for us, though. Be right back. Gotta sort this out.'

Ϡ

Sometimes life was just so complicated Leonard wanted to throw things and scream and shout at the injustice of the world. He didn't. Most of the time. But when the man he wanted to strangle at that moment needed medical attention, it was hard to resist the temptation. If that person was his best friend, things got complicated.

He'd expected trouble. Minds were a complex thing. Leonard knew that, better than anyone else on the ship aside from Spock. No matter how angry he was, he'd never risk the crew's mental or physical health, let alone Jim's. So he made sure that he wasn't suffering from brain damage or some other negative after effect of the exorcism he'd performed. But when Jim finally wake up woe betide him.

Spock and Leonard had been an item since a short time into the first five year mission, and Jim had known it almost at once, had even guessed it without anyone telling him. Had been supportive from the word go. But somehow a piece of Jim's mind had ended up in Spock's. That it could be the Vulcan's fault was unthinkable.

Technically, it wasn't Jim's fault either. He had no telepathic abilities, practically no ESP rating, no way to do anything other than let mental contact happen. And yet … it turned out Sarek had been right with his first thought: a meld gone wrong. It couldn't be anything else. Leonard would find out how the hell a part of Jim had ended up in his bondmate, and he sure wouldn't ask Spock. No need to bother him. His by Vulcan standards easygoing demeanour had originated at least partly in his and Jim's friendship. Unless it was completely unavoidable, Leonard didn't want to jeopardise that.

So he stood beside Jim's bed and waited while Spock was, thankfully, asleep. Leonard was so angry at first, determined to give Jim a thorough talking to. But after a time, the anger gave way to deep compassion. He loved Spock deeply, had fallen for him hard. What if Jim felt the same way and had merely kept it to himself because of Leonard? Turning his back on the sleeping figure, he sighed. 'God, how serious were you?'

'Serious? Me? Never.' The voice was slightly rough but quite firm. Leonard spun back around and stared at Jim.

'How're you? Headache? Disorientated?'

'Not really. I'm in sickbay, so something must be wrong with me. Last thing I remember is being in my cabin and getting ready for bed. What did I miss?'

'Oh, not much. I knocked you out of Spock's mind. Did it hurt?' Confusion blossomed on Jim's face and Leonard was instantly sorry for the way he had said this. 'Jim, are you in love with Spock?' Hazel eyes darted to his.

'What in the name of God did I say?'

'Answer the question,' Leonard growled.

'Simple answer: No.' Jim sighed. 'Complicated answer: I love him, but not that way. I once thought I did. Certainly had a crush on him. Wanted him.' Leonard threw his hands into the air and turned away. 'Bones. Bones, look at me.' Reluctantly, he did. 'Bones, the moment I realised you love him, and I think I noticed that pretty soon, I backed off because it would … never have been what you two share. I'm nowhere near serious enough for a Vulcan. It wouldn't have lasted. But you … if you love someone, you mean business. You're perfect for him. And I really, really … don't want him now. I don't love him that way. I swear. And I haven't the faintest idea what you were talking about.'

'You had something like a rudimentary bond with him,' Leonard explained. His heart was racing with something that wasn't quite jealousy but related. 'Why didn't you tell me how you felt?' Jim sat up and frowned.

'And do what? Make you feel insecure? Make you back off for me? Don't you get it? This is much more important for you than it would have been for me.' Leonard offered a short nod and said nothing. 'Now what are you going to do about that bond?'

'Did already. I persuaded what was in him of you to leave. I'm sorry Jim, didn't want to give you grief.'

'Question. Does this … change anything for you? Make you uncomfortable? Around me, I mean.' Whatever resentment Leonard had felt died. He sat down beside the man who was his oldest friend and seriously worried.

'No. Don't you think that.' He leaned closer and reached out to squeeze his shoulder. 'Jim. Really.' The relief on the Captain's face was visible. 'You passed out because I removed the link. Now … Spock's gonna ask me who was in his mind. Can I tell him? I won't if you say no but I'm not going to lie, either.'

'Tell him. Tell him if you find a way to do that without making him feel … you know. I don't want to lose his trust.' Leonard shot him a God-honest smile.

'Don't worry, Jim.'


	4. Chapter 4

Spock had already moved back into their shared quarters. Not that Leonard was surprised, but he was definitely a bit miffed that the Vulcan had sneaked out of sickbay while Leonard was in the next room. Somehow Spock had managed to get past Christine, who apologised to Leonard, apparently mortified. Leonard had grinned at her and shrugged. If the Vulcan wanted to go, he would. So when he found him at the computer terminal, Leonard approached with his arms folded and the best disapproving look he could muster. 'Hi, Spock,' he said casually. 'Fancy seeing you.'

'I supposed since nothing was, as you said, physically wrong with me, I could leave.'

'Spock, you don't do that. Especially not if you're in a relationship with your doctor. It looks as if you're getting special treatment.'

'I hoped I would.' Leonard glared at him. Or he thought he did. Judging from Spock's expression he wasn't very convincing.

'You know exactly what I mean. D'you wanna know who was in your mind?'

'I am curious.'

'Naturally. It was Jim. Any idea how?' Both slanted eyebrows had shot up.

'I can only speculate. I assure you that I never intended to create such a link with him.'

'I know that. Neither did he. He wouldn't be able. Was there ever a meld you didn't get out of? A time he didn't let go of you?' Spock shook his head, then his mouth fell open and he sat on the bed. Folding his hands before him, he waited for Leonard to sit beside him.

'Once. On Amerind.'

'Amerind. Help me out. Oh wait, the one where you nearly killed yourself with lack of sleep and food.'

'The planet inhabited by representatives of various American Indian tribes. I was, as you pointed out, not in an ideal condition when I initiated the meld with Jim. His memory loss was so severe, it was almost impossible to get through to him. In turn, he very nearly subdued me. Not intentionally, but he struggled so hard against the block around his memory that he did not notice I was attempting to help.'

'A drowning man drowning his rescuer.'

'A very accurate metaphor, I have to say.' Spock shifted until he sat behind Leonard, his legs beside Leonard's. Strong hands started massaging his neck and shoulders. 'If at all, it happened then. When he recognised me, he let me help. And I sensed a slightly worrying affection from him, but after the meld I did not pay it any further attention.'

'So you knew he had a crush on you. Why didn't I know?'

'I did not think of it again, to be honest. The impression was very fleeting. I do not believe that he still harbours any romantic feelings towards me.' Leonard leaned back when long arms wrapped around him from behind.

'Me neither. Spock I've got to tell your parents you're all right.'

'I already did. I have a better idea.'

'And what might that be?'

'My task in the creation of our bond is done. Now you have to do the same for me.' Leonard swallowed.

'And what precisely did you have in mind?' he asked.

'Kiss me.' The hands travelled down and settled on his stomach. 'Suck me until I come in your mouth.' Leonard had been half erect before, and at those words he went completely hard. Oh, Spock knew how to talk dirty, but he only did it about once every two years. 'Then enter me and give me all the passion you have. Stick your phallus in me and take me.' Leonard spun quickly and shoved Spock onto the bed. Bursting with need, he straddled him, rubbing over his groin.

'Want this?' he asked, fixing Spock's gaze and grinding against him in a slow, steady rhythm. 'Want you too. I love you crazy, Spock.' He brought their lips together in a hard, wet kiss. 'I'll put my seed in your gut. And I'll keep shoving it in until it's leaking back out as whipped cream.'

'Yes,' Spock said, undulating underneath him. 'Yes, Len. Love me.' Leonard grinned at him.

'Always.' They undressed frantically. Where their encounter of the morning had been sweet and gentle, this was the pure need to feel that they were both alive and together. Every nerve ending in Leonard's body was screaming for more contact. He kissed his way down Spock's chest and started blowing him, his own sex more than ready for action. Spock's hands were clawed into the sheets, his hips thrusting upwards into his bondmate's mouth. Leonard heard the fast breathing and the hardly suppressed moans and grabbed Spock's erection at the base, his lips sliding over the ridge in a quick rhythm. He felt his lover's orgasm approaching and used his free hand to rub him, adding more friction to his sucking. Soon, spurts of Vulcan seed went down his throat, and he swallowed all Spock had to give. When he felt him soften, he slid up and kissed him hungrily. Spock reached down and grabbed Leonard's hard organ.

'I want you inside me,' he said roughly. Leonard grabbed Spock's legs and placed them over his shoulders. Eyes locked, he entered him without much preamble but very gently. Spock's eyes closed and his back arched. 'Yes. Yes, my beloved.' Folding the legs close to the lean body of the alien, Leonard leaned down and kissed him again, still with fervour, but mostly with all the love he felt.

'Honey, you feel so wonderful. Your body, your mind, all of you.' Spock ran his hands down Leonard's arms and sucked on his bottom lip in reply.

'I can only hope you never cease to think so.'

'No, Spock. Never.' He moved slowly, letting the Vulcan adjust a bit. He had much more control over that particular muscle than a human and he did have internal self-lubrication, but if he hurt him just a bit, Leonard would never forgive himself. 'And I'll never ever try to help you by letting you go again. I hurt you, and I'm so, so sorry.' For one moment Spock held him so tightly Leonard almost couldn't breathe.

'I am not angry.' Leonard buried his face in Spock's neck and inhaled deeply. He increased his speed, supporting himself with his arms and looking into the face of his bondmate. He felt honoured. There was no other way to say it. For a Vulcan, to surrender control like that was difficult. Surrendering it to a human was risky, because any betrayal would hurt. Something clicked in Leonard's head.

'I wasn't jealous,' he said. 'That was the bond, wasn't it?' He stilled and gave Spock a searching look.

'You might have experienced discomfort at the fact that someone else shared my mind, yes. I would not be surprised.' Hooking his arms under Spock's shoulders, Leonard took the Vulcan's head in both of his hands.

'I couldn't share you any more than you could me. Are you all mine, Spock? Are you sure of that?' Spock's eyes were so soft and warm he knew. He had known all along, but what he had found in that brilliant mind had scared him.

'I am, Leonard, or we would not be having this conversation. Certainly not in this manner.' The dark eyes darted down to where Leonard's sex was buried in Spock's flesh. He grinned and pulled away.

'Turn over,' he breathed. Spock did, went to his hands and knees, his rear high up in the air. Smiling to himself, Leonard put only the tip back inside and withdrew. Spock groaned and writhed, and he stilled him with both hands on his hips. 'What d'you want?' As in the morning, Spock said something incomprehensible in Vulcan. Leonard tutted and tapped his sex against Spock's opening before letting it rest there, ready to enter him but refusing to do so. 'Say it properly.' This time it was English, but stifled against the pillow. Unable to resist or torture his lover longer, Leonard turned his tight hold into a caress. 'You say you want me?' He leaned down and kissed Spock between the shoulders. 'All right, then.' Leonard pushed inside with a single thrust and started taking him hard and fast. Spock was moving with him enthusiastically, and when Leonard reached for his sex he found him rock hard again. 'Vulcan stamina,' he managed to mutter. His groin was on fire, the wonderful friction bringing him close to the edge and over it quickly. The moment he came, Spock's muscles contracted around him. They both collapsed to the bed, not caring about the mess they were making. 'Spock, talk to me,' Leonard said.

'I am well, Len,' Spock said quietly, and Leonard sighed.

'God, I thought I'd lost you.' He lay down next to his mate and they snuggled into a close embrace. 'I couldn't stand that.'

'You will not have to.' The deep voice was so soft it was little more than a rumble. 'From now on, when we have intercourse, we will always share the experience. This time you could not feel my mind, I assume.' Leonard nodded. They were so close his nose brushed over Spock's and he couldn't help but smile. 'Next time you will also sense me when you penetrate me. The bond is complete and all but unbreakable. It will continue to grow until we can always sense each other. I love you, Len. I hope you will never regret it.' Leonard twined his fingers into Spock's hair, caressing his scalp.

'Not in this life, honey.' When he kissed him, the sexual frenzy was gone, replaced by the tenderness and caring of a strong relationship. 'Not in the next, either. Promise.' He looked into the gentle eyes of that incredible being. 'And I think … I think it's time we make this official. What do you say?' The answer was a tiny smile and a nod.

'Yes, my Leonard. I agree.' A brief kiss ghosted over his lips. 'Good night, beloved.'

* * *

><p>((As I promised, I list the references, such as they are.<p>

The slip that brought me to my knees – _Losing My Religion_. Obviously.

I love you madly – _You_

You wipe my lips, you turn me on – _You_, but not used literally here

_Make it all okay_ – as it is, that's the title

I love you crazy – again, _You_. I love that song even though it's actually dark. Or because.

You say you want me – _You're in the Air))_


End file.
